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Double Creature Feature

Names: Crystal and Kimmy Friedman
Age: 5 days
Reviewer: David Lee

Just the thought of twins has always reminded me of those old Wrigleys DoubleMint chewing gum TV commercials. You know, the ones with all those different sets of sexy identical twins jiggling around in short-shorts while that song goes “double your pleasure, double your fun” – or some shit like that.

As someone who hasn't ever actually met any identical twins, I guess watching those ads a few zillion times back in the day must’ve made me think that ALL twins are good-looking. So I should probably be kinda grateful that my nieces Crystal and Kimmy came into the world last week to completely shatter that dumb-assed idea.

Basically, these are some heinous little chicks. I’m talking bald, wrinkly, toothless little doggies with scrunched-up pug faces. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. The Olsen twins were some FUGLY little bitches too back on Full House, but they turned into some majorly taggable bulimia bunnies. Yeah, well trust me, I know what I’m talking about, and THESE twins are no Olsens. I mean, you should see that FAT on them. Think Michelin Man fat – with weeping heat rash hives spilling out of every last crevice – and weird little Vienna sausage fingers.

Funny thing is, their mother (my sister) is actually pretty hot. How could she not be? She’s like a chick version of me, right? Which is why I always figured she would have good-looking kids. Of course, that was before she married Alvin the dork-o-tron accountant. Actually, come to think of it, I guess I’m surprised these girlies didn’t slip outta the coochie already rocking Vitalis comb-overs and hernia trusses.

Oh well. I wish these little gals good luck. They’re gonna need it.

RATING:

Posted by Baby Review at November 3, 2005 03:53 PM