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Predictability Incarnate

Name: Sarah James
Age: 6 months
Reviewer: Diana Van Horne

At first, I thought Sarah would be the quintessence of the perfect baby – soft, bubbly, occasionally adorable in that tired way babies normally are. Mainly, just a slumbering package that blinks, yawns, and does not stink of rancid milk. Ho-no! Sarah is hardly what was advertised. Occasionally, she attempts to impress with bits she obviously feels are interesting (but aren’t) – and invariably fails. The grabbing the foot routine is so done, and to follow it up with the fist in the mouth gag is completely derivative of more entertaining babies. And Earth to Sarah – flapping your arms like a Special Olympics sprinter engulfed in flames does NOT pass for waving.

In short, Sarah is less than enthralling to behold, especially given how her reputation for cuteness so precedes her. Holding Sarah is a chore. She slouches terribly, and demands far too much rocking. And her moods? Forget to burp her, and the monster shrieks like a frantic raccoon trapped in a dumpster. A little self control? Hellooooo? As for fashion sense, all I can say is that child looks like a laundry hamper of pink ugly. It's always distressing to be presented with a little creature, and not share its proud parents’ delusional faith in its irresistible huggability. Sarah is proof positive that just because a baby might look vaguely cute in its carriage, that doesn't automatically mean it’s a good idea to squander your valuable time and attention on what more often than not turns out to be nothing more than a bouncing bundle of disappointment.

RATING:

Posted by Baby Review at November 5, 2005 02:47 PM