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Fabulous Feces Factory

Name: Thomas Weintraub
Age: 5 months
Reviewer: Reginald Weintraub

For this baby watching amateur, there's only one thing that makes any kid worthy of my attention, and that’s stool production. We're talking quality, quantity, and nostril-singeing bouquet - and that's why ounce for steaming ounce, my nephew, little Tommy Weintraub of Jersey City, NJ just FLUSHES the competition.

I mean, this kid was born to crap. And I'm not being figurative about that, either. I'm telling you, the very second Tommy slid out of my sister-in-law's lady hole, he opened up from both ends and hollered like hell while pinching off a trucker-sized loaf right in that lezzie midwife’s skanky hands. I swear, I may be biased because I'm his uncle and all, but to me, Tommy was hollering out to the very angels, "Hello, world! Meet the Master Scat-Blaster, the Kaiser of Scheiße, because I'm here to POOOOP!"

And Tommy didn't even bother with any of that pansy-ass meconium shit, either. This was an honest-to-Moses full-sized grown-up dookie that he dropped off at the pool, and I could even be showing it to you if my dingbat sister-in-law hadn't gone through that whole Brooke Shields, woe-is-me, addle-headed postpartum hoo-ha. You'd THINK that when someone goes though the trouble of getting something BRONZED for you, you could at LEAST keep track of it, right?

No use crying over spilled turds, I guess. And it's not like the kid isn't making 'em fresh daily. Hell – several loads a day, even, and I should know! Since my sis-in-law went off to that crystal-licking, touchy-feely state facility for a few months of "recovery", I've been looking after Tommy during the day. And every time we go to the playground, ALL the moms are all up in my face, saying how I should put the kid in a fresh Huggie BEFORE I bring him out to play with their precious Dylans and Emilys and Ambercrombies. Well I say nuts to that. If other people can’t see the hulking bulge of Tommy's prodigious output, how are they supposed to know that their kids' loins will NEVER measure up? Jealousy, thy name is unsoiled nappy!

RATING:

Posted by Baby Review at November 6, 2005 03:34 PM