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Little Miss B-O-R-I-N-G

Name: Madison White
Age: 4 weeks
Reviewer: Donald Corner

I once watched Madison’s father stumble out of a dive bar with a leathery old whore so he could sodomize her in the back seat of his Jetta. Back then, I thought I was witnessing the final, sordid aria of my friend's operatic downward spiral, but what I could never have predicted was that his true denouement would be less Icarus, more common animal dying in the woods.

To be blunt, spending a recent afternoon with Madison and her father, whom I used to call friend, was to watch a once vibrant (if flawed) man slowly decay and putrefy before my very eyes. Honestly, how he could be so enamored by this child’s tired, clichéd charms simply boggles the sophisticated mind!

This is a man who in the ripeness of vitality would pass entire weekends with me, sitting on futons, playing video games, discussing Sartre over Pabst. He was so full of life! And now, he swoons, and gushes, and furrows concerned brows every time Madison smiles, which is so obviously just gas.

Indeed, his only interest is toting this lump of flesh around like a prize, as if it were some great feat to knock up his brother's fiancée: she who serves up her cheap coochie like so much fetid haddock at a casino buffet. And in his mania to provide Madison with the luxuries that will keep her piercing whine at bay, he misinterprets her laughably unconvincing performance as genuine love – rather than the abject neediness of a credit-card draining parasite who will inevitably grow up to despise him.

Perhaps Madison should at least try to consider her part in this spectacle. Sure, it’s not technically her fault that she’s selfish and boring. Or is it? I'd suggest she sleep longer, or more soundly, or even shake things up and start pushing out teeth. But for now, she’s simply an anchor with booties slowly drowning a man who doesn't even know he doesn't want her. And until such time as she becomes sufficiently engaging, wild horses won't drag me back to the ramshackle condo where the court says her father can dote on her every third weekend. I strongly advise others to maintain their distance also.

RATING:

Posted by Baby Review at November 8, 2005 10:51 AM