« Double Creature Feature | Main | Pint-Sized Philistine »

Dinner Theatre Disaster

Name: Katrina Dalripple
Age: 9 months
Reviewer: Fran Seranno

Mine was a chance encounter with Katrina. I had reservations to dine alone at Outback Steakhouse, where I’d planned to enjoy a quiet South Beach-friendly steak salad and finally finish the new Jonathon Safran Foer novel. I had no idea Katrina’s parents would be there, let alone that they would coax me away from my blessed solitude to join them in bearing witness to her allegedly endearing antics. It was like being forced into a 90-minute layover in Yawnsburg. How could I be expected to enjoy my Bloomin' Onion, what with that child staring at me like some kind of bug-eyed alien princess perched atop her high chair throne?

And since when did her parents, two previously tolerable people, become fluent in Moronese? I’ve never heard so much inane clucking, cooing, and kissy noises – all in the name of getting Katrina to perform for me. And when she finally did, when her mother was able to rouse her puny little mind from whatever fog it was lost in, what did she do? She gummed up a chicken nugget, spat it out on the table in one huge meaty teardrop, then scraped it back up and scarfed it down. Granted, it was a daring performance – fully worthy of the Bronx Zoo gorilla habitat – but it was also disgusting, and forgive me, but just one act of that little "show" would have sufficed. Not four. In the future, Katrina would do well to diversify her encores, maybe with time-tested crowd pleasers like "I point at shiny things" or "I make adorable grunting sounds while shitting my pants."

In short, despite a lackluster start, Katrina did succeed in demonstrating a micron or two of talent. Whether she can harness it and funnel it into something more than a few cheap parlor trick remains to be seen. Unfortunately, this reviewer won’t be back to find out.

RATING:

Posted by Baby Review at November 4, 2005 03:04 PM