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Total Linguistic Cripple

Name: Tyler Hall
Age: 15 months
Reviewer: Hannah Parker

I met Tyler Hall last week. He was friendly and all, but I’m sorry, he was clearly told my name at least four times. It’s not like it’s hard. "Hannah." HA-nah. Not "Ha-Ha." What’s so funny? Somebody tell you a stupid knock-knock joke, brat? Please.

I mean, sure, he’s only 15 months, and yeah, I know he can barely walk, but am I supposed to just nod and smile like a fool while this little cretin BUTCHERS my name – right to my face no less? I think not. When it comes to my name, I’m like the French, OK? You say it wrong, and I’m gonna get majorly pissy until you say it right. Which is why if I had it to do all over again, yeah, I would still pinch his ear until he cried.

Anyway, it’s not like Tyler seems to have a problem saying "ma-ma" or "da-da." Like those are harder than my name? What, is he retarded or something?

And what really blows me away is how his parents enable that linguistic cripple. At one point during our soul-withering two-hour encounter, Tyler stumbled up to me, grabbed my forearm with his sticky, lint-covered paws, looked straight in my eyes, and urgently shouted, "KEY-KAH O’TAIR! KEY-KAH O’TAIR!" Ummmm - so I’m just sitting there, like, WTF, when his mother – a woman I actually used to respect – says, "Yes Tyler! The kitty cat IS on the chair!"

COME. FUCKING. ON. "The kitty cat is on the chair???" So what’s "Goo-goo-ga-ga" mean? "Go get my goddamned Gameboy?"

It’s sad. He’s cute for now, but with parents like that, I only give Tyler another five years before he’s just another drooler on the short bus. Bummer.

RATING:

Posted by Baby Review at November 7, 2005 02:18 PM